It Hasn't Settled in My Stomach Yet
by The Starless Night
Summary: Roxas just can't wait to go on his first date with Axel!


Roxas woke up one day feeling excited. It was a nervous excited though; he had all the butterflies in the world crowding inside his stomach. As he climbed out of bed that morning, he had everything for the day set in stone, a certain way he imagined it, and there was a certain way it was going to happen. He went to his closet o find something to wear for the wonderful occasion that couldn't make his heart do anything but beat faster whenever he thought about it. He had found some nice jeans to wear, and was browsing for a shirt.

That was when he found one of Axel's that he had accidentally left over once.

The small blonde boy picked up the garment, examined it. It was still clean though it was there for a while he suspected. He shrugged, and slipped it on. It was obviously too big for the boy's small frame. Apparently it was much smaller than Axel's. But Roxas didn't mind that as much as he normally would have that day. He just couldn't be mad at Axel today. His best friend called him a couple weeks ago you see, and made arrangements for them to meet up as more than the best friends that they'd been for most of their lives. Axel finally told Roxas he wanted more than that. The scene wouldn't stop playing itself over in the blonde's mind and it made him all the more excited.

"_Hey Rox, I've got a question for you."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Did you want to hang out at the little creek by my house sometime? I mean, as something more than my best friend… As my date, maybe? But only if you want…" _

"_O-Of course Axel. I wouldn't mind at all…"_

"_Cool. Then when uh, is the best day and time for you?"_

"_How about next week? Next Friday for sure." _

"_Alright, then I will see you then."_

"_I can't wait!"_

That was how it went. Roxas was so nervous in a happy way ever since then. He didn't know what would happen if it went well though. He hoped Axel asked him out again, and again, and again. He wanted to be Axel's boyfriend, his lover, his world, his everything. Little did Roxas know that Axel wanted exactly the same.

"Okay, I think I look fine. I hope Axel doesn't mind me wearing his shirt though…" the blonde said to himself as he pulled an evaluation of himself in front of a mirror one last time before he set off on the drive to Axel's house so they could then take a short walk to the creek.

And everything would be perfect.

Roxas jumped into his car and started it up; he turned the radio on to try to calm his nerves. A little, melodic, indie song was playing on the radio.

"_I descended a dusty canyon ridge  
Beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge  
and soon I eventually arrived  
at the place where your soul had died."_

Roxas, caught up in the song, drove right past Axel's house, not noticing the "FOR SALE" sign sitting looking pretty in front of it. His cell phone started ringing and it was Sora, his brother. Roxas' heart clenched up and he took the device and threw it hard as he could out the window of his car. He was overwhelmed. Everything was hitting him like a brick, like a dream—a nightmare that he couldn't wake from, like falling from a thirteen story building and finally hitting the ground after waiting for so long.

I hurt to think about Axel. The nervous feeling in his stomach turned to a sour, rotten feeling, like something died inside him and was making him nauseas as it decayed. The radio got louder, louder, haunting Roxas as his eyes were opening for the first time in weeks to the burning sun of the truth.

"_Barefoot in the shallow creek  
I grabbed some stones from underneath  
Waiting for you to speak to me."_

The creek came into view, it was only about a mile away from Axel's house anyway. Roxas pulled his car to the side of the road and stumbled out of it and shakily went down by the water, he took his shoes off and stood, holding back the burning feeling of the tears in the back of his eyes.

Baby blues were never bluer.

He was waiting for Axel for the longest time. He didn't know where the redhead was; where his best friend gone lover went. But he knew for sure what was wrong in the back of his mind. He just didn't want to say it aloud or think about it. So he pretended that Axel was in his own car, coming there breaking the speed limit by almost forty miles an hour like he always did. He smiled at the thought of Axel doing that, but the tears were still threatening and hanging on the surface of Roxas' eyes.

Roxas brought the sleeve of Axel's shirt, the one that he was wearing, to his nose. He inhaled. It faintly smelled of Axel. Like what was left after a great forest fire burnt away. He wished the smell was stronger. He wished he knew where Axel was. He wanted to playfully tug on that unruly red hair and stare at the sky and dip his toes in the water. He wanted Axel to hold him closer when it got too dark for them to see a foot in front of them. He wanted Axel to keep him warm, safe. He wanted Axel to laugh at him and call him cute when a big bug flies by and scares the living daylights out of him. He wanted Axel to be there, to say something, to hear his voice.

But he wasn't there.

"_And the silence, became so very clear  
that you had long ago disappeared  
and I cursed myself for being surprised  
that this didn't play like it did in my mind."_

Roxas was there from ten-o'clock in the morning to three-o'clock in the afternoon. And Axel never came. Did he cancel on Roxas? Was I all a big joke? What happened? Did Axel get hurt on the way there? What could have gone wrong?

No. He realized he had to stop worrying so much. It was all going to be okay, like Axel always said. Roxas knew Axel didn't lie. It was strictly against Axel's attitude to do so. But despite this, Roxas climbed back into his car and drove to Axel's house anyway. It was empty. He looked inside the windows, there was nothing—nobody there, and the sickening feeling in the blonde's stomach had returned. Did Axel leave without telling him? The questions were good, but never answered.

The For Sale sign in the front of the house seemed to be the most damning thing about the house. It seemed like a ghost came and spread its nothing to the place, taking everything that used to be there with it as it left. Someone was in the process of buying the house, so the sign said. But nobody could because when Axel came back, and saw his house occupying people he didn't know, he would be very angry.

Because he _would_ be coming back. Right?

Roxas was slowly losing this last light of hope that filled the brim of his blue, blue eyes. He was worried beyond compare and just wanted simply to know where his love had gone. He wished he still had his cell phone so he could call Axel if need be. He went to the pay phone on the side of the road right next to his parked car. He had Axel's number memorized so well his fingers were far ahead of the telephone when he dialed.

"This number either does not exist, or has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again." And Roxas dropped the phone. His fingers were cold; his face was turning whiter and whiter. He didn't know what to do. He wanted everything to be okay. He wanted to know where Axel was. He just wanted answers. But nobody ever tells him anything. Not anymore.

"AXEL! AXEL WHERE ARE YOU!" the blonde found himself screaming hysterically into the open, darkening, sky. He tugged his blonde locks, he kept his nose pressed into Axel's shirt, and was losing even the faint smell of him on the shirt. Where was he going? He shakily made his way back to his car and started to drive, farther from the creek. Away from the creek. As far as he could get.

The silence felt like he was getting his stomach cut open, and Roxas wanted to get away and find Axel's voice.

"_All the way from San Francisco  
as I chased the end of your road  
'cause I've still got miles to go."_

He drove to the cemetery that was about ten miles away. It was close to empty but the people buried there meant something to someone in the world, so it was still a sacred place. For some reason, Roxas thought he could find Axel in that place. Sitting by a tombstone, writing, reading, waiting for Roxas. Maybe he was even visiting someone there. Who knew? Not Roxas, but he was bound and determined to find Axel. He really was.

The trembling blonde scanned the rows of graves that shot up out of the ground. They were peaceful; Roxas was ruining that peace with his frantic searching for someone who was not there. He whispered a name, yelled it, called for, desperately screamed for it. But the person owning the name was nowhere to be found.

"Axel? Axel please…" Roxas was begging, all he wanted was to see Axel, to hear him, to have his presence. _Axel_ asked _him_ over the phone anyway. Roxas didn't have to be going through all this just to find one man. It seemed completely ridiculous.

Roxas didn't like this trick that Axel was playing on him.

He made it all the way to the very back of the cemetery, where the more recent dead bodies were always buried, according to a placard at the front gate of the place. They filled the front of the cemetery first, and worked their way backward, for some strange reason. But Roxas, in his useless search, read the names of the graves in passing. Some people he knew the family of, or was once on good speaking terms with, but they were dead now. It was strange to Roxas. How could that have happened?

"_I want to know my fate  
if I keep up this way  
it's hard to want to stay  
away."_

He started to smile as the amount of stress went down. He knew Axel was here, the place just had that essence. The essence that called Axel to it. He would be here, he knew he would be. The hysterics were over, and he would find what he was looking for all along. He just had to be patient was all.

"Axel… don't worry, I'll find you." The boy whispered into the, now night, sky. The blonde had wasted his entire day looking for the redhead. And now he was going to find him, he was very close and every step Roxas took in the somber setting brought him closer and closer to Axel. He wished he still had a cell phone.

"_I know you'll find me, Roxas." _He heard a slick, sly voice say back to him. He didn't know, or rather, didn't want to know if it was in his head or for real, he was just glad to hear Axel's voice somewhere. He heard that saying ring back in his head once, twice, and as Axel's voice faded out of his head, Roxas found himself standing at the last, the newest tombstone with an epitaph small and sweet and immensely true to the person buried beneath it.

"_And everyone you meet  
they all seem to be asleep  
you wonder if you're missing  
your dream.  
Can't see your dream  
just can't see your dream."_

Roxas sat in front of this grave and traced his soft white fingertips across the letters of the name engraved in the stone that was stuck in the earth. His heart tried to reach the man that was buried six feet beneath him, but six feet must be too far for his withered, tattered heart.

The big, bold, cold stone letters read this: Axel O'Callaghan. He was gone, he was dead and was never coming back. It wasn't like those times when he and Roxas would quarrel and Axel would say he's never speaking to Roxas again, but then comes back a few days later with flowers and hope in his eyes that he could be forgiven for such foolish words (which he always was). No, Roxas wouldn't accept that he was gone, didn't want to. Didn't _have_ to.

"Hi Axel. I'm sorry I'm so late. I forgot where to meet… I forgot the plans changed." Of course silence followed his one sided conversation. But that's what you got for talking, and falling in love with, the dead.

Roxas pulled the shirt of Axel's he was wearing close to his nose and inhaled one last time. Oh the smell was almost gone, but it was still oh so heavenly to Roxas' senses.

"I hope you don't mind that I'm wearing your shirt, Axel. I thought that I should since I was coming to see you. I might give it back if you show me you deserve to have it back." The blonde giggled then sighed, he wished that there was a response. He could only wish though.

"You know… before you died, I always had a crush on you? I was falling in love with you so hard, still am, and now you're dead. If that isn't tragic, then I don't know what is. I love you so much, Axel. I need you right now. I need you… I want you to hold me and kiss me, you don't even have to speak to me but that would be like icing on the cake. Maybe when I die too, you can do all of those things for me. I mean, I think you like me, no, I think you _love_ me back right? Or you _loved_ me back… But even still, I'm glad…"

It went on like this until Roxas was almost falling asleep, so he loaded himself back into his car and drove all the way back to his own home. He missed Axel the whole way there. But he wondered to himself, until death do us part… can't it be taken farther than that? Some people abandon that notion, like Roxas. He believes that he can still be in love with Axel. Even if Axel was just a memory now. He wouldn't be for long.

"I'll see you soon, Axel." Said Roxas to himself.

"_Then it started getting dark  
and I trudged back to where the car was parked  
no closer to any kind of truth  
as I must assume was the case with you."_


End file.
